Why you should Take The Train....Not The Plane...
1. The pilot could terrify you
The following statements were all heard by Telegraph readers on board flights:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress."
"There is rather more snow on the runway than we'd been led to believe."
"Ladies and gentlemen the storm is very bad. I will do my best to land the plane."
"As soon as we take off, I am going to ask cabin crew to serve any drinks and snacks within 30 minutes. After that, I want all passengers and cabin crew to be belted up and no-one is to walk around for any reason. There is a big storm ahead. Please be prepared."
"Ladies and gentlemen we shall be making an unscheduled landing and steep approach to Tampere airport, the plane is on fire. Thank you".
2. The other passengers might clap when the plane lands
Surely the most irritating habit of air passengers. Unless both the pilot and co-pilot are taken ill and a passenger lands the plane, this is unacceptable.
3. Or take their shoes and socks off during a flight
Shoe removal is (just about) permissable, but no-one should go barefoot on a plane and subject other passengers to the sight of their yellowing toenails. Yet it happens.
4. You'll be stung getting to the airport
With single fares from Paddington priced at £21 in economy class, the Heathrow Express is, pound-for-pound, Britain's most expensive rail journey, clocking in at around £1.40 per mile. A return journey costs £34 - slightly cheaper, but still more than £1 for each of the 15 miles travelled.
The Gatwick Express from London Victoria is just as costly, particularly given that First Capital Connect and Southern services from London Bridge actually get to the airport in less time - and cost half as much.
And special mention must go to the so-called "Stansted Express". The service - from London Liverpool Street - is the ONLY TRAIN that goes to Stansted. To call something "express" would suggest that there is an alternative, slower, service. This isn't the Stansted Express, it's just "the train to Stansted".
5. Even if you drive
- Parking: a couple of years ago, it was discovered that parking a plane at many of Britain's airports is cheaper than parking a car. The most expensive was found to be Heathrow - with charges of up to £51.80 for 24 hours.
- 'Kiss and drop' charges: even if you're able to persuade a loved one to ferry you to and from the airport, it could cost you. Just six of Britain’s 24 airports allow drivers to drop off and pick up passengers directlyin front of the main terminal building free of charge.
6. The airports will fleece you
The Ikea-style entrance to Gatwick, where you're forced to meander your way through a maze of duty-free shops, sums up the airport experience. You may as well ask a stranger to spend two hours frisking you for cash. There are airports that charge passengers for the plastic bags we must use to take liquids through security (step forward Luton), and others, such as Blackpool, Norwich and Newquay, that charge a "development fee" - because the money they already get from airlines and retail firms just isn't enough.
Furthermore, bottled water costs a fortune and currency exchange rates are a joke.
7. Then there's the airport security experience
Long queues ought to end in something fun, like a fairground ride, or an ice cream. Not the removal of your belt and a pat down from a burly man.
8. Especially in America
Just be grateful that those "full body scanners" have been phased out. Earlier this year, a former US airport security worker confirmed the suspicions of many fliers by admitting that staff would often laugh and gawk at the images of naked passengers. “The [full-body scanners] were good at detecting just about everything besides cleverly hidden explosives and guns,” he said. “Many of the images we gawked at were of overweight people, their every fold and dimple on full awful display. Piercings of every kind were visible. Women who’d had mastectomies were easy to discern — their chests showed up on our screens as dull, pixellated regions.
“Hernias appeared as bulging, blistery growths in the crotch area. Passengers were often caught off-guard by the X-Ray scan and so materialized on-screen in ridiculous, blurred poses—mouths agape, à la Edvard Munch. One of us in the I.O. room would occasionally identify a passenger as female, only to have the officers out on the checkpoint floor radio back that it was actually a man. All the old, crass stereotypes about race and genitalia size thrived on our secure government radio channels.”
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