Airline Funnies

As Promised - some more light entertainment..... A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!" **************************************** Basic Flying Rules:  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. ******************************************************** A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do. ******************************************************** Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is. **************************************** LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." ******************************************************** Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR! ******************************************************** Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." ******************************************************** Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !" Pilot: "I'm not silly..." ******************************************************** Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots." Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible." Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots." ******************************************************** Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday." Tower: "But today is Tuesday!" Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !" ******************************************************** Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot." ******************************************************** Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you." Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne." ******************************************************** Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! ******************************************************** Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel! ******************************************************** Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours. Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay? Tower: Affirmative. Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning! ******************************************************** Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog. Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? ******************************************************** Tower: "Height and position?" Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting. ******************************************************** On a very quiet night: Pilot: "I'm bored" Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self" Pilot: "I said I was bored, not stupid" ******************************************************** I over heard this while on ground control in MIA. VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time." ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN." ******************************************************** A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" ******************************************************** Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right." Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet." ******************************************************** A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R." Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available." ******************************************************** ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 ft below you. Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light. ******************************************************** ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated." ******************************************************** Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try." ******************************************************** Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open." Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door." Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff." Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX." Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..." ******************************************************** The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?" Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ******************************************************** A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." ********************************************************  It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.  KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."  Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow  him."  KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?"  Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...we've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." ********************************************************  Tower: "Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7."  Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."  Tower: "Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"  Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ********************************************************  O'Hare Approach Control:  "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...  I've got that Fokker in sight." ******************************************************** The German air controllers at  Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:  Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."  Ground: "Guten morgen!  You will taxi to your  gate!"  The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."  Ground (with some arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In  another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop." ********************************************************  I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the  junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard:  Lufthansa (In German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (In English):  "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (In English):  "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak  English?" Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer):  "Because you lost the bloody war!"  ******************************************************** More from our "Don't get wise with us" file: A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ... Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..." Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land." ******************************************************** A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked  the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York." ****************************************