Report shows that travel health insurance saved Canadians more than $138 million

News of "Million Dollar Baby" and the case of an Australian who is now facing a growing six-figure medical bill are serving as a cautionary tale for other travellers buying insurance.
Yet, travel health insurance saved the majority of Canadians, research shows. 

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The vast majority (95.3 per cent) of Canadians who purchased individual travel health insurance policies had their claims paid, says a report based on a KPMG survey of Canadian providers commissioned by the Travel Health Insurance Association (THIA).  Respondents to the survey indicated that the amount of claims paid to more than 103,000 insured travellers exceeded $138 million.

“We’re delighted that more than 95 per cent of travellers had their medical claims paid but that means that five per cent saw their claims denied,” said THIA President Alex Bittner. “Insurance is designed to pay claims. Our goal is to see an increase in these high rates of successful claims.”
A recent THIA survey¹ of Canadians revealed that 18 per cent of respondents have inadvertently provided inaccurate health information on travel health insurance forms – something that is to be avoided as it can void an insurance policy.Fourteen per centhave deliberately provided inaccurate health information on travel insurance applications with half of those admitting that they did so to receive a lower rate.  And, only 33 per cent have reviewed medical forms with a physician when applying for travel health insurance.

“Responding accurately to medical forms is the best way to have a carefree holiday and ensure that unexpected medical expenses will be covered by insurance,” said Bittner. “Provincial health plans only pay for approximately 9 per cent of out-of-country medical costs.  If there is a medical questionnaire, it needs to be taken seriously.”
The top two reasons for denied claims include medical non-disclosure and misrepresentation and for pre-existing conditions that were not stable as required by policies.
THiA recommends that Canadians do the following to have carefree vacations:

• Know your health and consult a health care provider if you have any questions
• Know your trip - How long will you be gone? Are you a snowbird? Will you be travelling many times during the year? Do you plan to scuba dive or undertake any high risk activities?
• Understand your travel insurance policy – Insurance companies have staff available to assist you and answer any questions related to policies 

The THiA website has a guide available to help Canadians understand their travel insurance needs before they investigate policies.


Source: The Travel Health Insurance Association of Canada
 http://www.thiaonline.com/cgi/page.cgi?aid=115&_id=125&zine=show

What to Know About Motor Vehicle Accident Claims and Travel Insurance

If you’re one of 75% of Canadians living within 160km of the Canada-US border, chances are you travel to the US from Canada by car often. Maybe you’re taking advantage of Black Friday sales or picking up online purchases shipped to a nearby US postal address. As the holidays approach, parking lots, intersections, highways and border crossings are even more congested, increasing a chance of an accident. Add rain, snow or sleet to the mix, and bam, accidents happen! If you’re in a car or motorcycle accident in the States, here’s what you should know about making a motor vehicle accident claim.

3 types of insurance may play a part if you’re in a motor vehicle accident on a trip

1. Collision—covers damage to your vehicle. You purchase this through your auto insurer. Collision Insurance doesn’t cover emergency medical bills (outside of Canada or the US), which is where travel insurance comes in.
2. Emergency Medical Insurance, a.k.a. travel insurance—covers you. If you’re injured or fall unexpectedly ill, your emergency medical costs will be covered. You purchase this through a travel insurance provider (like one of our many partners).
3. Liability or ‘third party insurance’—covers injury or damage to others. This is part of your car insurance here in Canada, but it’s different in the States. Liability insurance benefits in the States are incredibly low, compared to our Canadian standards. This is why emergency travel insurance is important: the other party’s liability insurance will not likely cover all your emergency costs.

What this all means is that your car insurance is your primary coverage when you’re in an accident. All travel insurance is in excess of your primary coverage, which means in all cases, you’ll need to go through your auto insurer first. The good news? Travel insurance covers the eligible expenses that weren’t paid by your auto insurer.

What if you get in a car accident in the US? Here’s what to do to open a motor vehicle accident claim:

1. Open a claim with your auto insurer, and follow their process.
2. While you’re waiting to hear back from your auto insurance, contact your travel insurance company to give them the heads up. Our claims department, for example, appreciates it when travellers let us know about the accident. We even try to speed of the process by preparing claim forms in advance, and putting a note in your file. If we can help, we’re happy to look into it!
3. Keep anything your auto insurance provider sends you. These documents will come in handy if you have any unpaid, eligible amounts.
4. Call your travel insurance claims line. Let them know of any payment you’ve received at that point. If any of your expenses are not covered by that policy, they’ll look into it then.

What if you’re not driving your own vehicle?

Your travel insurance covers ANY excess medical emergency costs, even if you’re in a friend’s vehicle, or a rental car. As for the vehicle, it depends on your auto insurer. If there’s physical damage from the collision, you’ll go through them first.

What if you can’t drive back home?

Say you’ve driven your car to the States (or anywhere outside of your home province, for that matter) and had an emergency. If your doctor deems you are unable to continue driving on your trip, Emergency Travel Medical Insurance like ours will cover the return of your vehicle, for example if we have to air-evacuate you to your home province. If you’re travelling alone, or your travel companion can’t drive the vehicle back, a travel insurance policy like ours will cover the return of your vehicle. If your car is not drivable, or too damaged to drive back, arrangements can be made, usually via your auto insurer.

What if you’re in an accident in a rental car in the US?

Your Canadian auto insurance may not extend coverage to rental cars in the US. It depends on the add-ons you’ve purchased with your auto insurer. Have our Rental Car Protection? Then you’re covered for up to $50,000 per trip for physical damage or loss of a rented or leased vehicle. This is good to know for snowbirds who lease a car in the States! Rental car protection also covers things like

• Towing
• Salvage
• Fire department charges (bet you never thought of that one before, right?)

Travel medical insurance is of course necessary to cover any medical emergencies or personal medical costs tied to an accident, whether in a rented or owned vehicle.
If you purchased the (usually costly) rental car travel insurance provided by the rental car company, make sure you investigate their coverage in detail and ask questions about their benefits and exclusions before you drive away.
When in doubt, ask questions about your car or travel insurance, especially when travel to the US from Canada in concerned. We’ll be happy to help!

 Copyright © 2014 Travel Underwriters, All rights reserved.

Minimising Airport Security Stress

With security measures being stepped up again recently following a further US terror warning airport security queues are lengthening again.

The Department For Transport have issued more instructions concerning electronic equipment and this includes the removal of laptops and large electronic devices from hand baggage during checks.

Most Travel Insurance policies do not cover damage caused to equipment left in checked baggage during transit - so, as usual, we advise passengers to book in earlier and make sure they are prepared for the additional checks and delays at airports.

Airports aren't always this quiet - but you can choose your time...

Here are a few ideas:

Avoid Weekends when airports are at their most chaotic, book in between 11am and 4pm weekdays to avoid the crowds

Book your parking or use a Parking Service to keep the stress of driving round and around the huge parking areas at airports. Using a Bus Service in or using a valet service will be slightly more costly but infinitely less stressful and there are great offers to look out for.

Make your check in simple by printing your boarding pass before hand if you can (outbound and inbound). You'll still have to check in baggage - but arriving with plenty of time in hand will keep the stress to a minimum and if you can just take hand baggage then you can avoid this part of the hassle for most flights.

Fast Track through security is often available for a small fee (£3 - £5) but if you don't want to pay then at least make sure your hand luggage is within the size limits and hand luggage restrictions for weight and number of items.

Executive Lounges are usually available and can take some of the discomfort of waiting in throngs away and ease you into your holiday with a newspaper and a breakfast or lunch before the flight.

Use of common sense and knowing in advance what your stresses might be will always reduce the headache of airports all around the world - have a good flight!

For Travel Insurance quotes - check in HERE!!!

What are the most important things I need to know about Travel Insurance?

There are a lot of websites which explain the coverage  
But, what are the most important things I need to know about Travel Insurance?  What is "Pre-Existing medical conditions"? What is "Eligibility"?

The Travel Helath Insurance Association of Canada has created guide to travel insurance for Canadian consumers.Obtain information as much as possible, be a smart shopper!

To download the PDF copy of the guide, please click the following link:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/16465334/THIA%20Consumer%20Brochure/THIA%20Consumer%20Brochure.pdf

 Source: http://www.thiaonline.com/cgi/page.cgi?aid=109&_id=125&zine=show

Travel Insurance for Return of Pets & Vehicles.

No Pets or Cars Left Behind: Travel Insurance for Return of Pets & Vehicles

Posted on November 18, 2014 | More posts by Leah

You’re a savvy traveller, so you know travel insurance will cover you for medical emergencies. Did you know that the same travel insurance also covers the return of your car or pet? Return of vehicle and return of pet while travelling are little known, but handy benefits that our insurance covers.

More travellers are vacationing with pets than ever before. Why leave the little furball at home when tourist destinations and hotels make it easy to bring along your furry friend? Here’s a little known fact about travel insurance: if you’re in an accident outside your home province, your emergency medical travel insurance will make sure Fido gets home safely. Here’s how it works: if you have an emergency while travelling and your doctor confirms you are unable to continue driving on your trip or drive back home, your emergency medical travel insurance will cover the safe return of your pet or car.

We can’t speak for other insurance providers, but here’s what our Emergency Medical Insurance covers:

Return of accompanying dog or cat

If you’re in a travel emergency and air-lifted back to your home province, we’ll cover up to $300 to return your cat or dog (sorry, pet lizards and hamsters!) This includes travelling with show dogs too.

Here’s a tip for pet travel outside of Canada:

• Have an emergency contact name for a family member or friend close by as an emergency dog/cat-sitter. This way, your pet won’t be left in strangers’ hands if you’re ill or injured and can’t care for them.

Return of vehicle (or vehicle repatriation, in insurance-speak)

If you’re in a travel emergency and air-lifted back to your home province, or if your doctor determines you can’t continue on your trip by driving, emergency travel insurance will cover the return of your vehicle. This applies to any vehicle on the trip that you own: cars, motorbikes, trucks, RVs and campers, but not commercial vehicles, or if you’re driving in a vehicle owned by your friend or a family member.

In the event of an accident or illness, our Claims Assistance team often helps travellers get in touch with family members or travel companions to return their vehicle. If you don’t know anyone in the area, we hire a professional, bonded driver to return your vehicle to you as soon as possible.

The Return of Vehicle benefit is good to have if you’re travelling alone, or if your travel companion is unable to drive your car back for you. The latter is often the case if you’re travelling with a child or an elderly family member who doesn’t have their license. We cover up to $4,000 for your vehicle to be returned to your home province, or in the case of a rental vehicle, the return of the rental car to the nearest rental agency.

Our tips for a smooth return of vehicle:

• Make a list of all major items packed in the car. The professional driver contracted to drive your vehicle across the border has to present a list to customs officers, and the list will speed up the crossing.
• Keep a copy of your car insurance papers in your vehicle. The driver will need this information too.
• Don’t send your vehicle back with firearms, tobacco and alcohol, currency, etc. Read Sarah’s post for more information on what you (or your driver) can take back over the border.

As the holiday shopping season approaches, so does one of the busiest border crossing seasons of the year. Check out more tips on How To Travel With Pets and How To Road Trip Like a Pro.

 Copyright © 2014 Travel Underwriters, All rights reserved.

What You Need to Know Before planning a Babymoon.

Recently, news broke on the “Million Dollar Baby” claim. Saskatchewan resident, Jennifer Huculak-Kimmel’s insurance provider denied payment for her daughter’s premature birth in Hawaii.

While we can’t speak to the details of this particular case, we can give you some general information about what our travel medical insurance would/wouldn’t cover for expecting mothers.

What You Need to Know Before planning a Babymoon.

Over the last few years, the “babymoon” has become increasingly popular as expectant parents embrace the idea of taking one last trip before their lives are changed forever.

Celebrity babymoons became a regular feature on the cover of glossy magazines and before long, mainstream couples started booking their own pre-baby getaways.

I travelled during both of my pregnancies, before the term babymoon was in fashion, and it didn’t occur to me either time to confirm the details of my medical coverage. The first trip was uneventful but during the second, I became ill with food poisoning and had to be attended to by the on-call physician at our resort. Fortunately, the baby and I were both fine and the relatively small expense was covered by my husband’s health insurance plan. In retrospect, I should have been better prepared before I boarded that flight.

Here’s what expectant Canadians should know before planning a babymoon.

1. Check the Terms of your policy:

Expectant mothers will be relieved to know that pregnancy does not increase travel insurance premiums. The terms noted below are from Travel Underwriters‘ policy, but these are considered standard among Canadian insurance companies. It is important, however, to still check your policy because terms relating to maternity coverage may vary.

2. Medical coverage:

While there is no specific maternity benefit, coverage may be provided for unexpected emergency expenses related to pregnancy EXCEPT during the 9 weeks before or after the expected delivery date.

Expenses that arise from an emergency not related to the pregnancy, such as a broken leg, may be covered even during that 9 week window. Routine pre-natal care will not be covered by an insurance policy.

3. Pre-existing condition coverage:

A pregnancy complication, such as gestational diabetes, which exists prior to the trip, will be considered a pre-existing condition. This means that treatment of the complication while travelling will only be covered if stability requirements have been met. Stability requirements may vary per policy, and are usually based on your age and trip length.

4. Trip Cancellation Insurance:

If you purchased Trip Cancellation Insurance before knowing you were pregnant, you will be covered if your trip falls within the 9 weeks before or after your due date. You will also be covered if you need to cancel your trip from complications within the first 31 weeks of your pregnancy.

5. What if something happens?

If you go into labour while abroad, you should contact your travel insurance provider as soon as you can (though, obviously, under reasonable circumstances. Get to the hospital first!). Your provincial health insurance plan will typically cover $50-$100 per day, and provided you’re outside the 9 week window, travel insurance will cover the rest.

If you go into labour while travelling within Canada, medical bills are generally covered by your provincial health insurance; travel insurance will cover expenses outside of that. Take note that you may have to pay out-of-pocket for some costs, depending on what your policy covers.

Now that you are familiar with how travel insurance applies during pregnancy, the only thing left to do is decide where to go on that much-needed babymoon! Enjoy!

Copyright © 2014 Travel Underwriters, All rights reserved.
Source:http://blog.travelunderwriters.com/en/blog/travel-medical-insurance-pregnancy-and-premature-birth/
 http://blog.travelunderwriters.com/en/blog/what-you-need-to-know-before-planning-a-babymoon/?utm_source=consumer_blog&utm_medium=internal_link&utm_campaign=what_you_need_to_know_before_planning_a_babymoon

Safety Tips for an international traveler.

Traveling gives us great memories and amazing photos. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget about our surroundings and fall victim to scams and thieves. Try these eight international travel safety tips to become a smart traveler.

1. Watch out for travel scams

Scam artists are everywhere and they’ll try their best to get you to part with your hard-earned money.  Whenever you book anything travel related, whether it’s tours, flights or hotels, be sure to do your due diligence.  Travel scams aren’t always obvious; if you’re unfamiliar with a company, check travel reviews before making any purchases.

2. Protect yourself from identity theft

Have you ever wondered how to protect yourself from identity theft while travelling?  It’s simple; only carry things you’ll need. That means leave your social insurance number card and birth certificate at home.  Despite popular belief, you don’t need to carry your passport at all times unless the country you’re visiting requires it.

Cheques are another thing you can do without.  They’re not widely accepted and list your banking information, so be a smart traveler and leave them at home.

3. Use credit

Credit cards are a must when traveling since they can offer you benefits like travel baggage insurance and chargeback.  Travel baggage insurance covers theft of personal items while traveling. Having the right travel medical insurance is a must, so check whether your credit card travel insurance coverage is enough. If not, purchase some additional coverage.

Be warned that not all travel insurance policies are created equal—read up on coverage and exclusions to determine which policy you should go with. Another benefit of using a credit card is chargeback. This protects you in case you’re a victim of fraud, or didn’t receive the product or service you purchased.

I suggest bringing two credit cards on different accounts e.g., one VISA, one MasterCard in case you have any issues with one of them.  Keep one in your wallet and the other in your hotel safe; this protects you if your wallet gets lost or stolen.

Credit card providers know your spending patterns, so an unexpected foreign purchase may trigger a block on your account.  To avoid this, call your credit card provider to let them know when and where you’re traveling to.

4. Be cautious of ATMs

ATMs are the easiest and cheapest way to get foreign currency.  You can find ATM’s everywhere and they usually charge much lower rates compared to if you exchanged money back home at your bank or foreign exchange.  To prevent fraud, avoid independent ATMs and try to use only ATMs associated with your provider’s network.  Both VISA and MasterCard have worldwide ATM locators which makes finding a trustworthy ATM easy.

Just like credit cards, you need to let your bank know that you’ll be traveling so your debit card doesn’t get blocked.  Be aware that in most foreign countries only 4 digit pin codes are allowed, so change it prior to traveling if you are using anything different.

Carrying too much cash on you is never a good idea, so try to head back to your hotel after withdrawals cash from an ATM.

5. Watch out when using Wi-Fi

Free Wi-Fi is practically a gold mine for travelers, but before you start posting pictures to Instagram and responding to tweets, make sure you’re joining a secure network.  Look for the word “secure” beside any network you’re about to join (find this in your Wi-Fi settings) to ensure it has security enabled.

A smart traveller doesn’t forget to read the privacy statements before joining any networks; you’d be surprised what information you’re agreeing to give up.

Here’s a list of smart travel apps you should download before leaving for your trip.

6. Don’t forget about home

This should be obvious, but arrange for someone you trust to pick up your mail when you’re away on vacation.  An overflowing mailbox is practically an invitation for thieves to come check out your place.  If you don’t want to inconvenience your friends, you can always purchase hold mail service directly from Canada Post.

This may sound old school, but leave at least one light on at home when you’re away. It’ll make thieves second guess if your home really is empty.

7. Digitize your documents

Pretty much all trip itineraries come via e-mail these days, so why not digitize your other documents as well?  Your passport, travel medical insurance, driver’s license, credit cards (scan both sides so you have the emergency numbers), debit card and health card are just a few things you want to make sure you have scanned.  In the event you lose the physical documents, it’ll be much easier to get replacements with your digital copies as proof.

When I travel I keep these documents on my tablet and in my-email, but I also send them to someone I trust back home just in case I am unable to access the files.

8. Keep yourself updated

The Government of Canada recommends that Canadians travelling sign up for the Registration of Canadians Abroad service.  To be realistic, if you’re heading south to Florida you won’t need to register, but if you’re the adventurous type who likes to travel off the beaten path, it definitely doesn’t hurt to be a smart traveller and register.

Before visiting any country it’s worth checking out the current travel advisories from the Government of Canada.  Isolated incidents of violence in remote places shouldn’t affect your travel plans too much, but you definitely want to know what the current advisories are since they could affect your travel insurance coverage.

 Once you’re home from your trip, here’s a list of travel documents you need to keep in case you need to file for a travel insurance claim.

  Copyright © 2014 Travel Underwriters, All rights reserved.

Traveling to US for deal on Black Friday? Travel Insurance, just in case.

Many Canadians shop in the US. Who can resist a good deal? Some of us go back and forth over the border without even thinking about it. But accidents can happen, even on the shortest of trips or while doing the ‘safest’ activities like shopping. Here are a few real-life experiences that illustrate how common injuries can be, while shopping in the US from Canada.

“Minor” slips or trips

While shopping in the States, Tara slipped on spilled nail polish and sustained minor injuries. The store did not accept responsibility on the basis that the spill was caused by another customer.

A second traveller, Dominic, tripped over a fixture at the same retail store and ended up with a fracture. When I think of the Black Friday chaos I’ve seen in some stores, this kind of accident is more common than people realize!

If you get injured in a store, it could be costly and complicated. Third party liability makes for some ‘sticky situations’—it’s really on a case by case basis. Travel insurance may not cover the claim if a retailer is liable, but it could still help pay out-of-pocket costs up front.

Health conditions can surface out of the nowhere

63-year-old June was shopping in an outlet mall when her leg suddenly gave way beneath her, resulting in a fracture. The fracture was found to be “pathological,” meaning it was due to an underlying condition. Further examination and testing determined June had a malignant tumour in her left shoulder; unfortunately, the cancer had already spread throughout her body.

Getting injured in the States is costly! You probably know by now that the US has some of the highest costs for medical treatments. In fact, a hip fracture could cost up to $85,000! It’s smart to have travel insurance whenever you go across the border, even if it’s just a short trip, or a quick shopping visit. Your provincial healthcare only covers a small portion—hence the need for emergency hospital medical coverage.

And here’s a tip: if you travel frequently to the US, consider Multi Trip Annual travel insurance. It’s more economical to purchase one Multi Trip Annual policy for an entire year, versus buying multiple Single Trip policies. For example, purchase a policy with a 10-day trip length on an annual plan, and have unlimited trips of up to 10 days at a time for the year! Just ask your local insurance broker for details.

 Copyright © 2014 Travel Underwriters, All rights reserved.

FCO Safety Warning

Britons travelling abroad are being warned that they could be targeted by terrorists seeking revenge for UK air strikes against Islamic State (IS) extremists.

The Foreign Office (FCO) has updated its travel advice for all destinations across the globe that British nationals faced a "heightened threat" of attack from "groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria".

It urges all Britons living or travelling overseas to be "vigilant" at the current time. 

The FCO said that it was responding to the "generalised threat" rather than warnings of a specific attack.

The move comes after Home Secretary Theresa May announced in August that the UK national terror threat level had been raised from "substantial" to "severe", meaning an attack is considered ''highly likely''.

Last month, Parliament gave the go-ahead for the RAF to carry out air strikes against IS forces in Iraq and the Government has been supplying arms to the Kurdish peshmerga militias fighting the extremists.

The updated FCO advice states: "There is considered to be a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time."

The FCO advises against all travel to most parts of Iraq, and all of Syria, where it says it is unable to provide assistance to any British citizen in leaving the country. There is also advice not to travel within 10km of the border of Syria, within Turkey.

Airline Funnies

As Promised - some more light entertainment..... A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!" **************************************** Basic Flying Rules:  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. ******************************************************** A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do. ******************************************************** Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is. **************************************** LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." ******************************************************** Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR! ******************************************************** Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck." ******************************************************** Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !" Pilot: "I'm not silly..." ******************************************************** Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots." Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible." Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots." ******************************************************** Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?" Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday." Tower: "But today is Tuesday!" Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !" ******************************************************** Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot." ******************************************************** Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you." Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne." ******************************************************** Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! ******************************************************** Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel! ******************************************************** Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours. Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay? Tower: Affirmative. Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning! ******************************************************** Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard. D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog. Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ? ******************************************************** Tower: "Height and position?" Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting. ******************************************************** On a very quiet night: Pilot: "I'm bored" Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self" Pilot: "I said I was bored, not stupid" ******************************************************** I over heard this while on ground control in MIA. VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time." ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN." ******************************************************** A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" ******************************************************** Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right." Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet." ******************************************************** A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R." Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available." ******************************************************** ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 ft below you. Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light. ******************************************************** ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated." ******************************************************** Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try." ******************************************************** Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open." Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door." Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff." Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX." Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..." ******************************************************** The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?" Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ******************************************************** A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." ********************************************************  It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.  KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."  Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow  him."  KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?"  Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...we've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." ********************************************************  Tower: "Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7."  Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."  Tower: "Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"  Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ********************************************************  O'Hare Approach Control:  "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."  United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this...  I've got that Fokker in sight." ******************************************************** The German air controllers at  Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:  Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."  Ground: "Guten morgen!  You will taxi to your  gate!"  The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."  Ground (with some arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In  another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop." ********************************************************  I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the  junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard:  Lufthansa (In German):  "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (In English):  "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (In English):  "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak  English?" Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer):  "Because you lost the bloody war!"  ******************************************************** More from our "Don't get wise with us" file: A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ... Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..." Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land." ******************************************************** A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked  the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York." ****************************************