Pilot v Engineer

I think we're not going to beat these, so we'll end our brief sojourn into humour with Quantas...well, may be one more next time if I can find it....

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 

Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 

Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit. 

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield. 

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 

Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 

Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield. 

Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. 

Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny. 

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums 

Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit. 

Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget